Not All Pain is Created Equal

I conducted an experiment last night to find out which was worse - having the man you're in love with tell you he wants to start dating people, or having a giant needle plunged through your nose. Predictably, the giant needle was a lot less painful.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

When I saw this amazing scene at Target, I knew I had to start my blog again. There just isn't any better forum for me to keep track of all the incredible things I see and experience here in New York City.
On Tuesday I went to Target to buy some odds and ends and midway through, I had to go to the bathroom. When I walked into the stall, this is what I saw. It's amazing that someone couldn't even wait to get home to do a home pregnancy test. And I also wondered if they paid for it, or if they just grabbed it off the shelf and brought it into the bathroom. I also appreciated the fact that the girl peed all over the seat in her attempt to get it on the stick and didn't even bother to clean up after herself. What a lovely treat for the next person who used that stall. Me!!

A Fond Farewell

I am bidding goodbye to I Gotta Get a Map and changing my name to something equally as clever and thought provoking. Those of you who I want to keep reading, please stay tuned for details. You know who you are.

The Good Fight

Ding ding. We take our corners, which aren't really corners at all, but just separate areas of the bedroom, or the hallway, or wherever. I was in a bad mood first. No, I was in a bad mood first. You call me a bitch, I tell you you're stupid. It's the one two punch. But there is no blood, or sweat, or even tears. The fight is dry, the words are familiar, and I'm left with the same pit in my stomach as always. Nothing ever changes. It's like Groundhog Day. I wake up in the same fight every day, or every week, as it were. What do you want from me? I wanted something that I couldn't explain. I wanted you to understand me, to be kind, to get it. And you didn't, and you don't, and you won't. Why do I keep hoping? They say you're truly insane when you keep behaving the same way and expecting a different outcome. I feel insane with you. Or at least, awful. I am the worst, neediest, most irrational version of myself. So not only do I hate you, I hate me. And sometimes the love covers up the hate. But not right now. Now I just feel lost and angry and disappointed (in me AND in you) and tired. Because the one form of relief I could have gotten afterwards was sleep, and it didn't come. Just tossing and turning and thinking and obsessing and beating myself up. Which I can do way better than you.

Good Morning

This morning as I was walking to the train, I passed a woman shoveling off her steps. It was snowing and I was bundled up like a burrito and I think I was smiling because I actually like when it snows. As I walked by her, she said "Good morning". I was caught off guard, but managed to say "Good morning" back to her. Then she upped the ante and said "Have a nice day", and I paused and said "Thank you. You too.". What was weird is that it was so weird that a stranger was nice to me. I think I'm so used to people in New York being so mean and unfriendly, that when someone is nice, it is really something. As I walked away from the lady, I thought to myself, she must not be from here.

A New Year, A New You

I don't make New Year's resolutions. If I did, I wouldn't keep them, so I don't see the point. But I will say that there are some things I would like to accomplish/change/start this year. I would like to start dressing a little better for work so I don't always feel like my gay boss is judging me. I would like to get back into volunteering so I feel less like my time here on earth is a waste. I would like to focus less on the bad things in my life and more on the good. I would like to find a suitable partner. I would like to spend more time being creative and less time being passive. I would like to get more exercise. I would like to do the following things that have been on my New York List for over 5 years: Go to The Whitney, go to The Paris Theater, go to the top of the Empire State Building, ride the Staten Island Ferry, go to the Natural History Museum, go to the Bronx Zoo. So much to do. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Cattle Car

I will never understand why people pack into overcrowded subway cars. Why not just wait for the next one instead of wedging your body against a stranger and having the doors close on your bag? And what happens if the train stops or gets stuck or some other disaster? You're stuck in a packed train car with nowhere to go and no room to breathe. People were shoving themselves onto the A train this morning while I watched in horror. I hoped for their sake that their train made it to the next station. Otherwise, they're screwed. No thank you. I'll wait for the next train.