F the Train

I hate the F train.
It's the train I take to and from work everyday, and my commute has become torture.
A couple of months ago, I was on the train and just happened to notice a sticker on the door that leads to the next train car. It read "This door is locked for your safety". One thing that has always made me feel a little bit better about being stuck in that metal tomb is knowing that I could just pick up and move to the next car. The F train likes to stop from time to time between stations due to "Train traffic ahead", and I liked knowing that in a pinch, I could just cruise over to the car next door and see how things are going in there. I also thought of the door between the trains as being a handy escape route in the event of a fire or terrorist attack. But then I found out the doors were all locked, and if God forbid something happened to the train, I would be trapped in there. The though of it brought me close to throwing up. And my train rides have never been the same.
Since I attained that unfortunate bit of knowledge, riding the F train has become a huge production. In the morning, the train is always jam packed. I usually have to wait until 6 or 7 trains go by until there is one that I can even consider getting on.
And then I usually wait until there is one of the old school ones that don't have the locking doors. Those come along approximately every 8 trains. If I'm feeling brave, I'll get on one of the new school trains, but ONLY in the first car, and ONLY if there is a conductor in there. And then I will check to see if the door that leads to the conductor's area is unlocked. It all depends on how I'm feeling. Sometimes I'll stay on, even if the conductor's door is locked, thinking that if I had to get to him, I could just knock on the window. But sometimes it will freak me out if I can't just open his door, and I'll jump off at the next station and wait for the next train to come along. It is absolutely exhausting, and I worry that if I ever get a job I have to be at at a specific time, I will be in big trouble. For now, I'm just doing the best I can. When I have the luxury of time, like when I'm heading home after work, I will just wait for the right train to come along. But in the mornings, it's not so easy. I feel the pressure to just get on the damn train, even when I can't physically get myself to do it. I can't wait until it's nice out, so I can pretend I'm going to ride my bike to work.