Shoulda Known Better

I think that everyone can agree that condoms suck. Nobody likes them and they are just an unfortunate fact of modern life
if you're single and slutty, or too crazy to be on the pill. I'm a little of both.
But I decided to go on the pill last January since I was having regular sex with someone who was disease free and shared my hatred of condoms. A couple of months ago, I decided to stop taking it to see if it would have any effect
on how often P.O. and I fight. The jury is still out, but I can't say that I feel any more normal or any less stabby. What I do feel is a little more scared of getting pregnant. Although that didn't seem to stop P.O. and me from screwing on a piano on Saturday without using anything. And I even had a condom in my purse. But my purse was in the other room. So like an idiot, I just let him stick it in me while I crossed my fingers. He pulled out and came on my leg, but when I went to the bathroom later, it seemed like there was some that made it in me.
I wasn't even that worried about it until last night when I checked my date book to try to figure out where I am in my cycle. And it turns out that Saturday was exactly 14 days in. Which is exactly when you should have sex when you're TRYING to get pregnant. Needless to say, I started to freak out.
I did some research on the interweb and decided that it would be a good idea for me to get the "morning after pill", otherwise known as Plan B. I like the name. I think it's cute. Anyway, I went to the Rite Aid this morning and bought the pills. I took one with my bagel and I take the other one 12 hours later. I seem to recall doing something similar a few years ago and not enjoying it very much. Though back then you just swallowed a bunch of regular birth control pills and hoped that it would fuck up your system so badly that you couldn't possibly conceive. Now they seem to have it down to a science.
Just take these two pills that have tons of hormones in them and hope you don't throw up. I am also going to hope that I get a nice bloody visitor in my pants in about two weeks.

Here We Go Again

It makes sense that when you're in pain, and you want that pain to stop, you go right to the source.
And you have sex with him.
Or at least that seems to be the way that P.O. and I deal with our pain.
Of course, this behavior leads to what I call The Merry Go Round Break-up. That's when you break up, you're miserable and it feels like you're dying and you can't stand another minute of suffering, and to ease the pain, you have sex with your ex. Then after the sex, you forget about why you were breaking up in the first place and you start hanging out again.
It's not exactly revolutionary, but it is stupid. And if there's one thing I love, it's stupid.
We haven't actually done it yet, but P.O. and I have gone from not speaking, to texting, to e-mailing, and then today he called me.
Last night he wanted me to come over wearing just a black trench coat. And if I wouldn't have already had plans and my period, I probably would have. I know that for me, nothing takes my mind off pain like a night of hot, dirty sex. And that's exactly what I could have with P.O. Because even when everything else in our relationship sucked, the sex was always top notch.
So I guess we'll see what happens tonight. I have no plans and I would love to get some ass, so that sounds to me like a recipe for disaster.

Seriously, Kill Me

I got home last night and immediately grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels that I stole from work out of my freezer.
I drank it until I started to feel drunk, and then I retreated to my bed with a book. I read about four words before
my mind started to wander. I thought about some of the good times P.O. and I had, and then I started bawling
and then passed out.
I woke up at around 2:00am and could not fall back to sleep. I just kept thinking about P.O. and trying to figure out how I could have let things get so bad and wished that I could go back in time to when we were happy. It sucks knowing that most of the reasons we broke up were because of me. And it started me wondering if anyone is ever going to love me again. Oh man, this sucks.

Kill Me

It feels like someone is standing on my chest. And it feels like they weigh 400 pounds.
P.O. and I have broken up a thousand times, but this time it feels real. Not totally real because I still think about going over to his apartment wearing just a trenchcoat and trying to get him back, but pretty real. I feel like my heart is broken. I can't concentrate at work (well, that might be because I hate my job), I just want to drink whiskey all day, and I feel like I'm going cry any second. I sent him a text yesterday morning and spent the rest of the day checking my phone to see if he'd written back. I swear I must have looked at that goddamned phone 100 times. It was pathetic. I felt like I was 16. And I am way older than 16. It's been so long since I felt like this, I think I had forgotten how horrible it is. Oh my god. I feel like I'm gonna die.

Take This Job

I don't like my new job. This isn't really that surprising since I've never actually had a job I've liked, but I thought this one might be different. It had all of the ingredients to be "the one". I have my own little office, all the snacks I could hope for, and a really nice computer with a built in camera. I've used it to take this picture of my millions of Dry Erase boards. Which is one of the things I don't like. I am literally surrounded on all sides by gigantic Dry Erase boards. It's like no one in this place would have any clue what was going on if it weren't spelled out for them with colored markers. My boss is this gay guy who has no idea he's gay. He carries a Jack Spade messenger bag. He loves when I bring him issues of Men's Health magazine that for some reason show up in my mailbox. The cover of Men's Health always has some shirtless muscular hot guy and I'm pretty sure that's why boss man gets so excited. He is super uptight and pretends to be laid back, which is worse that just being uptight. He is very into furniture and clothes and I wish he would just fuck a dude and get off my back.
But I'm really trying to be more positive.
Especially since my very recent ex-boyfriend told me that I am a very negative person. What a sweetheart.
So here goes. They pay me well, some of the people are nice, there's tons of booze around - some of which I've already taken home.
It's certainly not all bad. But I really thought that by this point in my life I would be doing something that I actually like. I guess part of the problem is that I don't know what I like. I like eating crackers with cream cheese. I like riding my bike. I like watching Scrubs. I like having sex. I don't really think that I could do any of those things for a living. Except the sex. But I don't really want that to be my job. What would I tell my parents?

Animals........They're Just Like Us

I know everyone in New York gets really excited about the big Halloween parade, but I have to say that the Tompkins Square Park Halloween Dog Parade on Sunday was 1,000 times better. I went to the people parade last night and I have to say, the dogs had better costumes. I mean, how much sexier is this first picture than the second one??
I rode into the city Sunday and hung out in the park with my friend R.B. for a little while and kicked a soccer ball around. It was a gorgeous day and I was feeling pretty proud of myself because I rode my bike over the Brooklyn Bridge for the first time. It was a little scary when I got into the city. And it was even scarier when I was riding down 1st Avenue and R.B. was riding his skateboard next to me and was holding onto my shoulder while we were going down the street. Somehow, I didn't die. It was good. When I was leaving the park to go watch the Bears lose again, I passed by the dog run where the parade was. I couldn't see much because it was really crowded, but what I did see was amazing. There's something about seeing a Basset Hound dressed as a gladiator that makes me pretty happy. I'm not sure how the dogs feel about dressing up, but everyone seemed to be a good sport about it. I saw a dog dressed as a horse with a little doll riding on him. There was a statue of liberty, an i-phone, and a fireman (my personal favorite). All in all it was a very nice way to spend a Sunday afternoon.